And so the sun rises this morning...as it does every morning.  The difference today is that the sunrise marks the Deathday of my husband, William four years ago.  I could not have guessed that the succession of days would lead to this point in time after that devastating moment....but it has somehow. The world didn't stop turning, though I was sure it would do so, at least out of respect.  Respect for my grief, or at the very least respect for the loss of one great man on this planet.  But no.  The sun rose the next morning after he died, and has unabashedly continued to do so.  And so here I find myself today...8.8.12.

Changes.  Want to see change?  Lose a mate or close family member or friend.  To death, or even divorce, or some twisted little complication that you could have never forseen coming, like a stroke, or Alzheimer's....Life has a funny way of cooking up the most interesting surprises!  And there you find yourself in the thick of things.  Hopefully with a friend or two at your side.

God bless good friends!  They will be your saving grace, without a doubt.  After William died, families of my daughter's friends at school brought us dinners each night, for probably a month.  I couldn't eat.  Or smell food.  But my girls needed to eat.  And these angels stepped in and brought the most awesome meals each night.  Organic, healthy, beautiful meals.  I will ever be grateful and hope that I didn't forget a one of them while sending out "Thank You" notes.



You see, I still haven't given William what I promised him.  An Irish Wake.  He wanted a happy celebration of his life.  How does one do that when all you feel is pain?  None of my friends or family stepped forward to make it so, and it simply was not in my power to create.  I was as empty as an expired balloon. But I think I will have to make him this party before I can move on to the next aspect of my life completely.  I suppose I should get working on that....

Bill left me with 3 daughters and a mortgage.  Not much Life insurance.  Too many pets (not his fault!).  And with the Social Security checks the girls received, we were able to make end meet, barely, keep our house in this hideous economy and squeaking by paycheck-to-paycheck.  It has been a struggle.  It has been a burden.  It has been a source of many lost night's sleep, without a doubt.

Now, things are really moving.  I have changed my job back to active bedside nursing, this time ICU instead of ER.  My 17 year old has left for Wisconsin to find her Life Path.  My eldest remains behind at the family home, turning it into what she wants, as we await renters of the rooms we used to call our own.  My youngest is moving with me to Greenbelt.  To live in the small, quaint home of a man whom I called "friend" for many years, and now call "lover."  We are in the process of re-creating our lives out of the ruin of the one prior.  All of us.  And it amazes me.....out of the wreckage, Life does assert itself.  I could not have been convinced of this prior....but I deem that it is now true.

So despite the situation you may find yourself in.....remember one thing.....change is INEVITABLE.  It is the ONLY thing you can count on in life.  The ONLY thing. Embrace it as best you can...and look to the new sunrise.  All your promises and hopes lie there on the horizon.  It's just a matter of WHICH day.